I've Been Slipping
Hay Daizee Loves,
I’m writing this because once again, I’ve found myself a little lost in the sauce of this world. Not only that, but slipping in my efforts to be an example and really be about my walk with Christ and bringing others along with me. I’m not saying I’ve been out here acting like the spawn of Satan, but I’m really just slipping from where I once was. I’m still going to church and in the choir but I’ve just been so BLAH about everything. I hate to admit that but it’s the truth. So, when I was driving to work this morning, I was trying to figure out how I got here. I realized that it is a combination of things.
Struggling with my sins
CHANGE
Everything that’s on my plate
Disappointment with so-called leaders and believers in the church (This will be discussed in detail in a separate post)
Alright, so one thing at a time. Struggling with my sins. I understand sin, grace and mercy, God truly knowing my heart, being an example, all of that… I just be feeling SO TERRIBLE when I am doing something wrong. Internal spiritual warfare is REAL. Plus, I beat myself up for not being perfect. I know none of us are and we all sin and fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). BUT I be mad at myself for not wanting to do better, not asking for forgiveness because I know (and I know that God will know) that it is not sincere. Mad because I’m not asking for help or for the strength to resist temptation… because my flesh does not want to resist some things. LET’S BE REAL. I don’t be feeling like feeling convicted, and I have mentioned this before. This is how sin pulls us away from God.
As far as not putting in any effort to be an example, I honestly just feel like I shouldn’t be trying to be an example to anyone until I get my heart and life together. When I am feeling lost and jacked up, I don’t want anyone watching me. I KNOW the devil tries to make us feel like we aren’t good enough and guilty and all of that BUT like we also have to hold ourselves ACCOUNTABLE… and I just don’t want anyone watching me or looking to me when I feel like I’m not together AT ALL. I can’t be leading you and me both into a pit. CUZ THE STREETS BE WATCHING. That’s why I am extremely careful of what I share and the things I represent. It’s honestly why I haven’t been writing as much because I know I haven’t really been in the right place to be doing so.
The next thing would be all of the changes happening in my life. I knew the transition with moving out would have me in a more vulnerable state of mind. I have not been doing a good job of protecting my heart and mind in all of this… at all. ON TOP of the sin creating distance between me and God, I was trying to find comfort in ANYTHING. The devil has been using all of this as an opportunity to try to get your girl. My faith has just been straight up attacked in the midst of all of this. How am I going to be sharing some stuff I am currently struggling to believe myself? LORD HELP ME WITH MY UNBELIEF. That’s so fake to me. We were at church a few weeks ago and the preacher was talking about the kind of holds the devil can have on our minds. And that’s pretty much what’s been going on. He TRIED… TRIED… to weaken my faith and has had me questioning EVERYTHING. And I am just now seeing what was going on because of my next point….
I GOT WAY TOO MUCH GOING ON. So much so that when I get up in the morning and when I am going throughout the day, Jesus is just not always on my mind. Work, school, being a successful adult, chasing my dreams, and having a healthy relationship have been my only priorities. It’s like everything BUT my relationship with Jesus has been having my full attention and exciting me and it should NOT be like that. Like I’m not new to this… I’m true to this... at least I should be. Lol I was brought up in this you know? I should move like I KNOW my relationship with Him sets the tone for everything else going on in my life. I should move like I KNOW my relationship with Him makes every aspect of my life BETTER.
Lastly, I just honestly feel like too many SO-CALLED believers and leaders in the church are out here acting a straight fool and it just turns me off. Like, y’ all playing straight games and I don’t have the time. This is why it is so dangerous for believers to be out here moving any kind of way, promoting sin, ignoring sin, not speaking up and telling the truth, acting like Satan they daddy, and following Satan’s agenda. It is so, soooo harmful to new believers, weaker believers, those in a vulnerable state because of their circumstances (me as of lately), and even those who aren’t even in the church.
But I am writing all of this to let y’ all know, I am getting back on my game! The devil can’t have my heart or mind. I cannot let other people turn me off from what I believe and keep me from doing what I am supposed to be doing WITH and FOR those who truly belong to God. I have to control my flesh (with the help of God), focus on my relationship with Jesus, continue to hold myself accountable, and try my very best to be like Jesus… REGARDLESS of the circumstances.
We may get weak, lose our fire, and wander off a bit FOR WHATEVER REASONS, but if you TRULY belong to God, He will pull you back in. I may have weak moments and there are times when I doubt and question… but at the end of the day, it just reaffirms my faith and makes it THAT MUCH STRONGER. I know I was CHOSEN. I know Jesus loves me... and I pray you all know it too.
I love y ’all! Thanks for reading!
Love ALWAYS,
Megan