Shopping and Drinking

Hay Daizee Loves!

I have been so stressed this week. I wasn’t even going to write today. However, I was looking up how to manage stress (which can be found frequently in my Google search history), and ran across this book. It’s called “Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers”. Me being me, I added it to my Amazon cart with a QUICKNESS. Then, I remembered last night I was ALL on Fashion Nova going “add to cart” crazy, and remember telling myself that retail therapy was not the answer. I haven’t made a purchase… YET.

But I was sitting here thinking and ended up tweeting, “shopping and drinking are my GO-TO coping mechanisms… I need help. LOL”.

AND SO HERE WE ARE. Let’s talk about it.

I have been spending money to feel better since I was 15. When my dad was deployed to Afghanistan, I was in RUE 21 with my allowance money every Saturday. It gave me some time to focus on anything other than him being gone. And when I was shopping, I was not worrying about him as much. I don’t think it was very harmful back then. It was necessary. I am saying that because to this day… his deployment was the HARDEST THING I have ever been through. I really think I have some serious issues from that, but that is a separate blog post. Anyways, now that I am older and spend my own money, I still shop when I need a distraction from negative feelings… out of habit. AND WITH THESE APPS, I can pretty much do that whenever. I am the queen of one-click purchases.

MOVING ON.

Now… with drinking… I did not really use that to cope until college AND I didn’t abuse it until after college. And whenever I am depressed or feeling “numb”… for whatever reason… alcohol helps in those moments. However, I learned QUICKLY that it doesn’t make what I am feeling disappear, though.  I also went through a period of time where I couldn’t run to alcohol because it made me SICK. I will tell anyone that God made it to where I could not abuse it anymore. AND even now, whenever I start drinking more frequently or heavily… my ulcers flare up. They’ve been mildly flaring up over the last month.

So basically I am sitting here with a messed up stomach… and can’t drink. Would buy all of this stuff but just bought a house. Playing with my money right now would just stress me out even more when I check my accounts. LOL But I am not going to lie… since I can’t drown what I am feeling in liquor tonight… I probably will make a purchase before the day is over, and try to justify it as something necessary for the house. #HELP

I just kind of feel like my past is haunting me and trying to pull me back/down. So many things have triggered me since I have moved in my house. Trying to let my light shine and posting on everything consistently always creates some spiritual warfare for me. I have been EXTREMELY AWARE and MINDFUL of everything, so I thought all of these feelings would be easier to shut down ,but I feel like the dark feelings are trying to consume me. Also, me being me… that makes me even more upset because I feel so imperfect and out of control. UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

Old Meg really makes me sick, y’ all. But NEW MEG really is lit. It’s been an extreme power struggle between the two. I am about to journal. Y’ all pray for me and reflect with me. What are your GO-TO coping mechanisms that are not the healthiest?

Whatever they are… remember it is simply just a coping mechanism. It won’t cure any of the dark and negative feelings, and it only helps you to feel alive in the moment. *cues Jhene Aiko – Drinking and Driving*  

I am tired of “dealing”.  I want to get over and move past all of these things that have been haunting me.

My prayer for all of us is that we stop running from the shadows and FULLY embrace the emotionally painful, but much needed healing process.

 Thank you for reading.

Love ALWAYS,

Megan