Sacrifice vs. Settling

Hay Daizee Loves,  

I am crying writing this for you all this morning. It could be breakthrough tears or sad tears… probably a combination of both. Without going into too much detail, I have recently put myself in a situation where in order to keep someone I love in my life; I am going to have to settle. I do not want to but he is not really giving me a choice. He is already settling and sacrificing his happiness for the sake of others. I feel like I love him and care more about his happiness right now than he does. I do not want him to put his happiness on the backburner... but mine is not going there either. It keeps coming down to the fact that if he would make the RIGHT sacrifice, we would not be here. No one would have to settle. I have no problem making HEALTHY SACRIFICES for our sake. I have a problem settling. I ultimately feel like he is asking me not to love myself... not to stay true to myself. That is a problem. I have been through enough. I understand that with where I am at right now and knowing what I want in life, now is not the time I should be confusing the two. 

Let's look at the definition of both.

• sacrifice (n): an act of giving up something VALUED for the sake of something else regarded as more important or WORTHY

"Ooh you worthy baby, you worthy" *Jhene Aiko voice*

• settle (v): accept or agree to (something that one considers to be LESS THAN SATISFACTORY)

"Daily reminder: don't settle for no fuck shit"

Moving on, I told myself I would just have to sacrifice my happiness as far as the "situation" in order to be with him. Having him in my life is important to me. So, that is okay, right? This situation is so far from ideal and honestly, beneath me. Therefore, it is not okay because it is not just sacrificing my happiness in regards to the "situation”. It is sacrificing everything I have worked so hard to get back after the last thing that broke my heart. It is sacrificing everything I believe in (hello internal struggle). It is sacrificing my sanity. It is sacrificing my future happiness.

Looking back over our history, I realize I have always been the one who had to settle. It has always felt IMPOSSIBLE to love him and myself at the same time. No matter how much he wants me to believe this "situation" is the reason I have to settle this time, I DO NOT. I do not think I have ever been 100% happy with what we have ever had going on. Nevertheless, not having him in my life at all also makes me unhappy. SO CHOOSE. I am either going to be unhappy WITH HIM or unhappy WITHOUT HIM. Doesn't that just sound like some fuck shit? If it sounds like some fuck shit... it is some fuck shit.

This is just not where I want to be after finally getting to a place where I did love ME again. I should not have to choose. No one should ever have to choose between loving themselves and loving someone else. Real love allows you to do both, FREELY. I am trying to figure out how it is even possible for him to make me feel guilty for making the decision to love myself. If I don't love me, who is going to? Because his choices do not reflect the fact that he loves me or finds me worthy because if he did, he would be making some sacrifices so I would not have to settle. 

 He and I both know that I deserve so much more than what he is willing to give... what he is willing to sacrifice to keep me in his life. I am not asking him to do anything that does not reflect self-love but he is asking me to. For me, the only decision I can make that reflects any type of love for myself is to WALK AWAY. It is painful… but it is a sacrifice I have to make for ME… because I find ME worthy. I do not want to be the girl who does not love herself. I do not want to be the girl that settles. I do not want to be a bad example to the girls who look up to me.

We out here blooming, baby.

Sooo… I do not care how much he SAYS he loves you and wants you in his life. If he is making you choose between yourself and him... let it go. Anyone who TRULY has any amount of love for you, would not want you to do anything that made you give up your love for yourself. Someone that claims they love you, whether it is full blown "in love" or just friend love, should never ask you to settle or make you feel like that is your only option concerning them. 

I love y ‘all. Remember, you are never alone.  

Love ALWAYS, Megan