The Last 6 Months

Hay Daizee Loves! I wanted to share where I am at with my spiritual walk as of lately.

To say the last 6 months have been hard would be an understatement. From the end of March through the beginning of June, I was STRUGGLING. I was purposefully running from God. I was heartbroken and He kept laying it on my heart to start Pretty Daizee. I am like, "God, I'm not trying to do all of that right now!" (Yeah, some nerve I have). In addition to running from what He wanted me to do, I was being RECKLESS with my life. Jhene Aiko has a song called "drinking & driving" & that perfectly describes where I was at in life. I was so hurt by a situation. It felt like my heart simply was not there. I was numb to everything. CRIPPLING HEARTBREAK sounds right. I was doing any and everything to feel something other than pain. 

Now, at this point in my life, I know that you have to be intentional about healing and that true healing is found at the feet of God. Well, see... no. I KNEW THAT but I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT. It is crazy because it is as if we think by leaving God... we are somehow hurting God..., which I guess, is kind of our goal... because we are blaming Him for our pain... because He allowed us to get hurt in the first place! (Again, some nerve).

So… no. I did not want to take this heartache to God and have to really deal with it. I wanted to distract myself from it by giving in to my fleshly desires. However, you see... the way the Holy Spirit is set up within me... the amount of internal warfare I was experiencing was INSANE. No amount of Hennessy or time spent with my new little "boyfriend" was taking the conviction away. Y ‘all ever hear God calling out for you? It is as if He is whispering my name, calling me back to Him. I seriously do not even know why I try to ignore it. I had a lot of moments where I would just start crying out of nowhere. I knew what I was supposed to do. I knew ignoring everything would only make it worse in the end. I knew my flesh might have been happy but my Spirit Man was continuously being neglected, hurt, and disappointed each day.  I was doing stuff I had no business doing with people I had no business with. The internal warfare was so real. It was making me sick.

FAST FWD>>> I get extremely sick at the beginning of May and I have no idea what is going on. I stay sick until... well now. I am still sick but I am managing. I am going to be honest and tell y ‘all that had I not got sick, I would have still been making reckless decisions. I was making decisions that had the potential to ruin my life, as I knew it. In a way, I am thankful I have been sick because it is giving me some time to get a grip and get back on track. I thank God for protecting me from myself. I realize He did not have to and I could be telling y ‘all a completely different story right now. COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

Now, I know I said I'm low-key thankful I've been sick but I've also felt like the devil was trying to take me out and it's been pretty scary. Once I decided to take baby steps back to God, the devil started doing the ABSOLUTE MOST. Spiritually and physically. He TRIED to discourage me and make me feel unworthy of being used by God. In July, I started a bible plan on the bible app and it had me rereading the story of Job. At this point, I had been sick for a good minute, so what stood out to me the most is that God told Satan he could come for Job's health but he could not kill him.

                                         Job 2:6 (NLT)            

"All right, do with him as you please," the Lord said to Satan. "But spare his life."

I thought about that verse every time I went to the doctor. What's super crazy is I posted it on my Snapchat the day I was prescribed my 2nd round of antibiotics because I couldn't believe the first round didn't work. I have been feeling like my body was shutting down & a few weeks ago, I felt like I was dying, and rightly so (full testimony in later blog post). I had to go to the Emergency Room because I thought I was having a super random asthma attack. In actuality, I was going into anaphylactic shock. Anaphylaxis is a potentially life-threatening allergic reaction. Turns out, I was SEVERELY allergic to that 2nd round of antibiotics. I viewed it as a spiritual attack manifesting physically because I was getting ready to release Pretty Daizee and this delayed it tremendously.

I cried the entire week after I went to the ER. Something about knowing you could have died just does something to you. Especially when you know, you have been incredibly unfaithful to the ONLY ONE who remains faithful to you. This is not the first time God has spared my life and shown me He has me around for a purpose. I 100% believe Pretty Daizee is a part of fulfilling that purpose. It is still hard though, even knowing that. A lot has happened in these last 6 months... too much to put in one post. It has been a lot of tears and a lot of growing. I truly believe it was all needed for the manifestation of Pretty Daizee.

I look forward to continuously sharing with you all.

Love ALWAYS, Megan